i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
They have beer where we have blood.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
