Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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