She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
