Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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