I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
