I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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