Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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