Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
