i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
