I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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