you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
