Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
