We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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