I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
