I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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