What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
well you can't waste a boner
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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