Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
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I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
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Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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