Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
As shirtless as possible
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
