Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
