I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
