i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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