Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Best friends brother. Beat that.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
