My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
