Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
