shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Randomize
