Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
