Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
