I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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