so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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