Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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