***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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