You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
