So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
