god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
