i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
