Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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