did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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