fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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