I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
