mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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