You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
