Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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