I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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