Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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