so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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