I think i peed on brittanys purse
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
