He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
