I'm pants shitting drunk right now
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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