She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.