So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
