Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
