dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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