I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
