I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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