He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
