Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Who died my cat blue again?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
