Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
he thought i was a dude.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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