I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.